Monday, June 23, 2008

Iraq - Day 9 Saddam's Revenge

Same disclaimer as yesterday.  Do not read while eating or operating heavy equipment.

Americans in any foreign country have to worry about food and water borne illness.  In Mexico they have Motezuma's Revenge.  In Iraq, the bane of the visitor is Saddam's Revenge.  The source of the condition, like the Nile, is shrouded in mystery, but the effects are unmistakable.

It starts with a rumbling in the gut that could easily feel like the initial gestation of an Alien.  That is the alarm that tells the victim that he (or she) has approximately 2 minutes before all hell breaks loose. 

Hell, in this case is no exaggeration.  Neither is breaking loose.  Phase two is aptly named, as your body attempt to expel all foreign (and some domestic) matter from the body.  Like rain that falls in the mountains, matter in said body discovers on which side of the great divide it currently rests and rushes to the nearest exit. 

Ice can turn to liquid under the right circumstances and apparently so can food.  This liquid forces itself from the body with great force to the amazement of the host.  Early man (pre-Iraq invasion) thought that excretions from the body could only happen en mass from one orifice at a time.  Modern man knows differently.  This is where the vision box urinal comes into play.  Since both ends are now in play at the same time, it is a fortunate coincidence that the urinal thingy in modern porta-john is located at the perfect height and distance for simultaneous use with it's larger cousin.

So far as is known, Saddam's Revenge is 100% survivable.  The greatest danger occurs in the rare instance where Saddam's Revenge is combined with loss of dry butt seal.  The danger is obvious.  I'll have to leave the result of the 360 degree dual projectile spewage to your own gruesome imaginations.

I'll be back with more pleasant thoughts tomorrow.


briangre said...

what, no photos?

thank you for that, BTW

Instant Tragedy said...

Photos are so 1984.